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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.